by Therese Ivers, JCL

Way back in September, I was asked to help with an upcoming retreat for women discerning their vocations and who feel like they’re beating their heads on the wall “discerning to death”.  This topic really resonated with me, and as I continue to prepare for this weekend’s retreat, I am seeing more and more how although there is plenty of literature giving pieces of information about the discernment process, there is hardly anything out there that talks about how to bring it to a peaceful conclusion.  The goal of discernment is to figure out God’s will in one’s life, most particularly whether God is calling one to assume a lifelong commitment by virtue of ordination, vow, or consecration.  In theory figuring out one’s vocation sounds pretty straightforward, but plenty of folks agonize over it, and some have never reached a practical conclusion as to whether there is a state in life they should pursue.  How exactly does a person go from the beginning to the middle and then reach the end of vocational discernment?

Vocations and the Fairy Tale

Good fairy tales touch upon the deep desires of human beings.  Some are about wealth as the reward of virtue and valor, a concept that even Our Lord uses in speaking about the reward of eternal life.  Others talk about longevity and an absence from the ordinary woes of life (think immortality and the properties of risen bodies).  The majority, however, are about romantic love in which after trial, the princess and the prince happily live together ever after.  Again, this reflects the eternal betrothal between Christ and His Church…

Yet, it never ceases to amaze me when I am judging marriage annulment cases and we get someone under oath testifying that they thought that once they got married, everything would turn out great (despite the fact their spouse was abusively beating them daily during their courtship, they were both high on drugs most of the time, that they had two or three children before they decided to get officially hitched…) simply and solely because getting married in the Church was somehow going to magically make things different!  It gets worse when they blame people in the Church for their failed marriage (why didn’t the priest stop us?)!  How is it that the fairy tale of living happily ever after gets drummed into people’s minds when it comes to vocational choices?  I will be forever happy if I marry that person…  I will automatically be holy if I become a priest…  As soon as I slip on that habit or religious life emblem, I’m gonna be floating around in prayer…  It seems to me that good discernment starts with understanding that fairy tales are just that.  Fairy tales.

The process of discerning a vocation starts with the realization that the process usually takes knowledge, dedication, and work.  Knowledge is necessary to make informed choices.  How much do you as a discerner know about the vocations open to you in the Church?  It takes dedication to following the will of God.  It also takes effort, or work.

One can say that the time of courtship, discernment for the seminary, convent, or other form of consecrated life, is normally a time of mutual discovery.  It takes work, both on the part of the person making the decision to pursue a particular path or narrow it down to a path, and of the person(s) who admit that person into vows (think marriage, religious life, diocesan hermit life, and secular institutes), consecration (consecrated virgins) and ordination (diaconate, priesthood, and episcopacy).  One who is discerning should work not only at improving knowledge about vocations, but self-knowledge so that obstacles and fears may be evaluated and addressed.

The Goal

The final goal of vocational discernment is to make vows, be consecrated or be ordained if this should be the Lord’s will.  Yet, the immediate goal of the discerner should be to do what it takes to determine which path (if any) to which one seems to have a genuine call and make a decision to pursue it in a prudent fashion. That way, one can peacefully but purposefully pursue a possible call and offer oneself to a concrete person, diocese, order, or institute if one prudently and prayerfully determines they could be a fit.  Of course a person should be “open” in that the other person, diocese, order, or institute may determine that it is not their vocation to be united with you in their particular path to holiness.

(c) 2009 by Therese Ivers, JCL and www.DoIHaveAVocation.com.  All rights reserved.

1^st Mistake – Choosing A Director With A Strong Bias Towards A Particular Way Of Life Or Spirituality

When Susie approaches her spiritual director who happens to be a Sister, she has the right to expect that this Sister will help her discern her vocation without pressuring Susie to join her religious institute. The primary purpose of a spiritual director is to help an individual to recognize and respond to the guidance of the Holy Spirit whether or not it benefits the spiritual director and his/her own institute directly. It would be nice to say that all spiritual directors and those giving advice on spiritual matters recognized and followed this principle of being fair, balanced, and not acting on a pre-set agenda, but this is not the case.

It is a well known fact that many discerners feel a certain amount of pressure to follow in the footsteps of their mentors. If Susie is talking to a Penitention Sister, then the pressure would normally be for her to join the Penitention. Or if Susie is corresponding with a cloistered Sister, then it is natural for most cloistered Sisters to invite her – perhaps strongly – to consider joining the cloister. While some consideration of the mentor’s institute is probably in order, there shouldn’t be an excessive amount of pressure to do so.

The best thing for Susie to do is to choose someone who will give her unbiased advice for her vocation journey. She can choose to have her director from a particular religious institute, but she should be aware of the danger of being persuaded or influenced to join that institute regardless of whether it is her true calling or not. Of course, not all religious, priests, or consecrated persons will give blatantly biased suggestions to follow their particular form of life, but it is a danger of which one should be aware.

2^nd Mistake – Not Selecting A Suitable Guide As One’s Spiritual Director

Each person is gifted with different talents and abilities. Today we have the problem that very few people are equipped to be a solid spiritual director. This has been an age old problem, and one that probably will continue into the foreseeable future. Why is this?

Well, there are a lot of things a good spiritual director will know that the general population, including most priests, do not know, because spiritual direction goes beyond confessional material. In addition, the personal holiness of the spiritual director can greatly affect the general course of the direction given.

The question of how to discern a good spiritual director is important because one’s immortal soul is at stake. One of the old maxims is that just as the father is to the son, so is the spiritual director to the directee. If the spiritual director is not competent, then one’s soul or at least one’s progress in the way of Divine love can be greatly harmed.

While there is plenty of advice for people to get spiritual directors when discerning a vocation, there is little out there of practical value to show what to look for in a spiritual director. The best book in my opinion on how to get a good spiritual director is written by a Marist, Fr. Thomas Dubay called Seeking Spiritual Direction: How to Grow the Divine Life Within. I consider this book to be very useful for finding and evaluating spiritual directors and one of the few indispensable items in a Catholic bookshelf.

3^rd Mistake – Letting The Spiritual Director Make All The Decisions

A spiritual director’s role is assist a person in discerning the will of God. Usually the spiritual director’s advice should be followed although there is a time and a place for raising possible objections to some advice that is offered. When it comes to discerning a vocation, or even making other decisions, it can be tempting for a person to just leave it up to a spiritual director to make the final decision. Such a practice, however, can be gravely injurious to the welfare of the discerner and is unfair to the director.

Generally speaking, only a mature person should attempt to discern his vocation. If a person is mature (age is only a slight factor in the degree of maturity in today’s world), God expects such a person to take personal responsibility for his actions. This includes deciding what path in life to take after careful consideration and prayer.

A spiritual director should be able to help point out what God may be calling the directee to, but since the spiritual director is not the directee, the spiritual director has no way of knowing the inmost heart of the directee. This is why any vocational advice should be seen in the light of advice and not in the light of it being totally God’s will simply because it comes from the lips of the director.

4^th Mistake – Choosing A Spiritual Director With A Faulty Understanding Of Vocations

Today if you wanted to become a diocesan hermit there would be very few individuals who understand the vocation sufficiently to be of assistance in your discernment process. In fact, the eremitic vocation is so rare that it is misunderstood by many people, including a large number of spiritual directors. If you are discerning your vocation, it is important that your spiritual director have a proper understanding of the vocations open to you and be able to give you wise counsel regarding them.

Since a vocational choice is often a life long choice, it is extremely important that both you and your spiritual director have an understanding of your vocational options in the Church. This understanding needs to be aligned with the Church’s teaching, especially when connect to issues such as the doctrine concerning the impossibility of women’s ordinations, etc.

5^th Mistake – A Lack Of Honesty And Transparency With One’s Spiritual Director

When discussing your vocational discernment with a spiritual director, a particularly critical aspect of your conversation is a fundamental honesty where you speak from the heart to your director. While in theory this can sound easy, it can be difficult sometimes to voice your inmost concerns, reservations, or attractions when exploring a possible path in life. Even if an objection or attraction does not seem too important, it can be a crucial point in authentic discernment.

One advantage a guide enjoys is that he can be more objective in giving advice since he is not swayed by the same emotions and desires the discerner is experiencing. However, this advantage can only happen when the directee is truly honest about his needs, desires, fears, etc.

This honesty is more difficult and all the more to be practiced when the discerner is emotionally entangled with another of the opposite sex or a particular institute or form of life. It is easy to stifle genuine doubts of the suitability of choosing a person as a spouse when the emotions run high and this is the most critical time for balanced, objective advice.

© 2008 by Therese Ivers and www.doihaveavocation.com

All Rights Reserved

God bless!

A sample clip is also available below for you to listen to in order to get an idea of what the interview was like.

(c) 2007 by Therese Ivers and DoIHaveAVocation.com.

All Rights Reserved